Ask Dr. J - What I Say Versus What I Do

Published in the January 2026 Edition
By Janan Broadbent, Ph. D.

Have you experienced this within the context of a friendship or relationship – Someone tells you one thing and then goes and does something different? How did you feel about that person then? The incongruence this creates forms the basis for creating a lack of trust. The saying about a person “being true to their word” is more than a compliment: It conveys a fact about that person’s character.

Character is defined as “the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing; moral or ethical quality; and qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity.” In any relationship, if the emotional connection is going to be strengthened, it is crucial that we trust each other, that we can count on the other to have integrity and honesty. In a business transaction, a legal document specifies the rules of the agreement, the basis for the connection. We have all heard about the old days, when a handshake was sufficient to establish the trust in the transaction. Maybe there are still places and people where this happens. But in these recent times, a contract specifies the rules.

In a personal relationship, we depend on our communications, verbal and otherwise, to set the basis for how we relate to one another. To the extent that the parties are clear, open and honest in their talks, the relationship blooms. Human beings need information from others to guide their own behavior. If I see my partner crying, my compassion level rises. But if we just had a fight, that compassion may be stunted by my anger. All human interactions boil down to being authentic and genuine, while recognizing and abiding by the expectations and context of where we are.

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.” - Anonymous